Long Day...

At the end of this day, financial issues are weighing heavy on my heart.

I've written requests for grants, I've applied for loans, depleted savings and retirement accounts, I've changed my payroll deductions, I've worked extra jobs and used tax refunds. I have accepted contributions from friends and family, and unfortunately, they have no more money to give. I sold my home and am now renting to lower the monthly payments. My closest friend has given me a large sum of money and even contributed her bonus check! My sister, E, allowed me to use her credit card for some of the travel expenses for Trip One. I'm planning a benefit concert and a yard sale, but it's just not enough. AND I didn't budget properly for summer airline tickets. My friend, J, reminds me, "You're a single mother who teaches at a private school; you can't possibly do this alone. Providing for your family on a monthly basis is one thing, but coming up with the funds for the adoption of not one, but two children is difficult." It seems impossible to amass enough upfront money to adopt my girls. They are already 11 and 6 years old and without financial assistance, it will take years to save that amount of money! I know these are decisions I made. I chose to be a single mom, I chose to teach at the private school where my son attends, and initially, it was my choice to answer the call to adopt K and A. When God gives us a course of action, we must move steadily toward our destination. We must recognize the destiny, accept it, and commit to it!

The Choice to Adopt: The motivation I have to adopt is difficult to put into words. I’m not sure how you communicate the love you already feel for children who are in an orphanage over 6,000 miles away; children whose language and culture is completely different than your own. Somehow I know that these girls are my daughters. I can think of no greater gift to give or receive than being able to give two little orphaned girls a family and watch them become the individuals that they were destined to be. It is every child's right to have the love of a family. In a sense, my motivation is simply to give them a life that they would not have otherwise; I want them to have the opportunities they deserve.

The Choice to Teach: After many years of working in the corporate arena as a Tax Manager, I made a life-altering decision to become a teacher. I decided to put myself through college for the second time to work on a Master of Education degree. It has always been a dream for me to be able to teach and mold the minds of young people on a daily basis. The monetary sacrifice of my career change has been significant but absolutely worth it. Unfortunately, the decrease in salary makes it difficult to save for the adoption.

I'm anxious, nervous, and even scared at times about the finances and finally going to Russia to bring my sweet, beautiful daughters home. TWICE today I have seen these verses:

"I took you from the ends of the earth,

from its farthest corners I called you.

I said, 'You are my servant';

I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:9-10

I recently came across this comment: "If God calls you to adopt, He will make a way to provide the ransom." I know that God is with me and I continue to have hope and faith. On long days like this one, when I'm faced with challenges, fear and insecurity, though my hope may fade, God's work continues! His voice is calling, His hand is leading, His presence is surrounding, and His love is falling down!

Summer is Almost Over

I visited the school today to get K and A registered. It was so exciting! I also had to discuss my maternity leave with my headmaster...not so exciting! In the past, when I've had to be out of school, it was for weeks at a time for an extended illness or a surgery. So my being out for four weeks is "typical Tina fashion". It is SO difficult to find a substitute for high school math and I feel so guilty! Of course, there's nothing I can do. I really would have liked to bring the girls home after trip 1! I would have liked a May, June, or even a July court date! Who WANTS to wait this long to bring their children home? But we adoptive families take what we can get! And thankfully!

One of my teacher friends, B, is doing one of the sweetest things for my girls. She is making a small scrapbook for me to take to them so that they can become familiar with people and places at their new school. It will contain pictures of the school, the girls' classrooms and teachers, new friends, the lunchroom, the art room, the gym, etc. She's also putting together worksheets that we can do together during our 10-day waiting period.

Well, I must get back to touching up the new paint in the children's bathroom, applying for grants, and packing in my head :)

Patience is necessary, and one cannot reap

immediately where one has sown.

~ Soren Kierkegaard

(Journal: August 1, 1935)

Prayer Requests

I hope everyone is doing well! As most of you know, I am leaving for Russia in 28 days! And you know me...I'm going through a million emotions. Please keep me in your prayers. With so much going on in that area right now, I'm worried about travel. Will I have ALL of the money and the paperwork I need? Will I wear the right thing and answer the judge's questions properly? Will the girls get to stay with me during that awful 10-day waiting period? Will their clothes fit? Did K get her birthday presents? Is the house clean enough? Did I make all the necessary medical and dental appointments? Did I schedule L's senior pictures? Can I balance everything out and meet all the needs of my three children?

Please pray for L. Because of joint enrollment and football, he will not be going with me this time. He's a little anxious about my traveling (so far there are no families scheduled to go with me), about my missing his first two football games as a senior (I've never missed any), and the fact that he'll have to do math and College English for three weeks without me (okay, even though his Mom absolutely LOVES math - that's why she teaches it - he HATES it)! Pray for us both as we make memories and enjoy our last days of just the two of us. We've spent some very good quality time together lately. We both realize our lives are about to change. As any mother knows, every "last" has some grief that comes with it. L and I, as well as K and A, we're all about to experience changes in each life as we know it. But we are so excited about changes that are about to come.

Pray for K and A: patience and peace while they wait for Mom, patience with their Mom (her Russian is not what it should be and communication will be difficult at times), strength and courage as they prepare to leave everything they've ever known, and safe travels to America.

Thank you all for being so thoughtful and dedicated to prayer! I don't know what I'd do without you!

My Son

The Call

I am so overwhelmed at this moment. You invision the reaction in your head a million times. Oh, but I was NOT prepared! I've been through so many roadblocks lately. I had no idea that today would be the day that I've waited on for so long! Yes, I have THE COURT DATES! August 21st and 22nd! I couldn't even pay attention to what my caseworker was telling me! So many thoughts and emotions were going through my mind! The time is finally coming and hopefully, my girls will be home soon! Thank you SO much to those praying for me. And to those waiting, my thoughts and prayers are with you...

Daily Blessings

I have been so worried about my package getting into the proper Russian hands. There have been so many shipping problems! One friend's package didn't even get to where it was going and she had to redo all of her medicals. My package contains documents that I don't even want to think about redoing! My caseworker called today and wanted me to call FedEx immediately to see if the package had left Moscow. As you all know, it was scheduled to be in my region on Thursday. I need it to get there so that I can get a court date! I've been tracking it and it was now leaving Moscow for the SECOND time. But I needed to call to verify. A very nice person told me, "Yes, it has left Moscow and will be in the region on Thursday." Good, we're on schedule. I call my caseworker back and she's on the phone...she calls me back and it just so happens that she was on the phone with my region coordinator. He had the package in his hands! WOW! Now I'm on pins and needles wondering how long it will take to translate the documents so that I can get that court date!

Prayer Request/Journal Entry

I wanted to share an e-mail I sent out to my prayer group this morning.

TO: Those Special People Praying for Me and My Family

Those of you who know me well know that I am usually quiet and never speak up about anything and I try not to ask for anything. I guess this is part of my “save the world” mentality. But the Lord has put this request on my heart this morning. I apologize, in advance, for this rather lengthy e-mail.

First of all, let me thank you. To be comfortable enough to share this with a group of people, to me, is amazing. Yes, I have many friends, but I think I’ve held up some sort of curtain my entire life and now I realize we all need “sheltering trees”. NewSong defines them as “friends in our lives who get down on their knees and lift us up before the King of kings…a place of refuge we can run when trouble comes…someone we can count on…”

Within the last week, I have happened upon this verse several times in several ways (it’s even on a billboard – there’s nothing like it in the world – God putting something in front of your face when you need to see it!):

“If my people, who are called by my name,
will humble themselves and pray and seek
my face…I will hear from heaven… (2 Chronicles 7:14)

If we seek God continually, He will answer our prayers. I am reminded of Matthew 18:19-20:

“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth
agree about anything you ask for, it will be
done for you by my Father in heaven. For
where two or three come together in my name,
there am I with you.”

I strongly believe in the power of prayer and I would be honored if you would pray for me as I continue on this journey.

I knew as a child that I wanted to adopt, although I may not have known why. I think I was 5 or 6 when the word first came out of my mouth. I seriously felt the urging, the conviction, the call, a few years ago. R. Vallett said “The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see and knows what the mind cannot understand.” I love children and helping them learn and grow has always been something near and dear to my heart – that’s why I teach. Some are called to be missionaries, ministers of music, Sunday school teachers, pastors, worship leaders – I feel I was called to be a teacher and, more importantly, to be a mother. God has blessed me with such a wonderful child. If you know my son, you know that he is one of the most wonderful, caring, intelligent, well-behaved, humorous, outgoing, patient people in the world. He is such a compassionate being. After having an only-child for 17 years, I really had to pray about how this would affect L’s life. He has always been my main priority. We’ve talked a lot about it and while he would never voice any negative feelings about the adoption, he knows his life will be changed forever. I think he is looking forward to being a big brother – the 200+ pictures from our trip to Russia show that. Looking at the pictures best explains what feelings we all felt.

Many people ask, “Why do you want to adopt?” At first, I told everyone, “I’ve always wanted lots of children. I want to expand my family. I want to give these children hope for the future and opportunities they will never otherwise have”. After growing spiritually through this process and becoming more like the person God wants me to be, I realized I truly felt led to do this. Every child deserves a loving family and I want to give love to children who desperately need it! God has opened so many doors to make this happen and He has held my hand the entire way. Many say, “Why did you choose Russia?” “How can you do this as a single mom?” I have several answers to those questions:

1) How can I NOT do it, single or not? Adoption is God’s perfect plan for transforming orphans into sons and daughters. It is every child’s right to have the unconditional love of a family. God placed the love of children in my heart and I cannot ignore that. There are 700,000 orphaned children in Russia alone. Only 1 in 100 will be adopted. Of the children not adopted and turned away from the orphanage, one-third will become homeless and one-fifth will resort to crime. Ten percent commit suicide. In our world today, a child is orphaned every 14 seconds. The world is broken, but there is “one love, one blood, one life, you’ve got to do what you should”. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you expect to see in the world”. I kept hearing “Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, try to be who you really are, life is short and often only gives one chance to DO things”. What can I do? What do I need to do? I could not stand on the sidelines any longer. With many prayers and much patience, I realized God’s timing is now. My girls don’t care if I’m single, they just “want a mama”, which leads me to…

2) I had been doing months and months of research. I had even considered another set of sisters, but they were adopted in early November. Again, I had to trust God’s timing. I was on the internet one night looking through listings with hundreds of pictures of available children. I found a picture of the sweetest girls with a caption that read “we want a mama”. Ironically, it said nothing about a papa, which was good news for me. As you all know, I am, and choose to be, a single mother. I printed the picture and put it on my nightstand. I had no idea what I was doing. I did not know where the girls were, I did not know very much about the process, I did not know anything about them or their situation, I did not know what to expect. I did know that I had NO money to embark on such a journey, but this was something I really wanted to do. Two days later, I received an e-mail from my agency. My agent sent the very same picture with the girls’ information and at that moment, I became “pregnant in heart”. So I did not choose Russia. I feel that God planned ahead of time for my daughters by adoption. I asked Him to lead me and for some reason, He led me to these girls. There was NO question that God’s timing is now; I must take a leap of faith and answer God’s call. Only God has the plan for my life and I have to trust that. So the journey begins…

As you now know, I have been officially “pregnant in heart” since late November. The entire process of bringing my daughters home has been so many things: overwhelming, joyful, tearful, prayerful, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, fear-filled, hopeful, full of challenges, the list of emotions goes on. Adoption does things to your mind, body, and spirit. I have been through so much - excessive paperwork, many phone calls and faxes, doctors’ visits, blood tests (L, too), hundreds of dollars in postage and overnight fees, not to mention gas to track down notaries and then to Atlanta on NUMEROUS trips to spend hundreds of dollars on apostilles; there have been many stumbling blocks, and it has been difficult. At times, I’m sick and tired. At other times, I eat too much to help relieve the stress. I have had road blocks everywhere, but God is breaking through them. While I’ve tried to make sense of it all, I’ve realized I don’t need all the answers to all of life’s questions. God has been with me and He has opened my eyes and guided me to be the person He wants me to be. I don’t see it all clearly, but the one thing I know is this: While I am impatient, I must wait for His timing…

After seeing my daughters in April, leaving them was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I was able to hold them, trace their hands and feet, watch them play and laugh, take pictures of them with their brother, hear them call me “Mama”. I knew once I met my daughters, my life would be changed and I would never be the same. I instantly became a mother of three and now, I know nothing else. It is difficult to imagine that these beautiful children with such precious smiles and personalities have seen horrible things and been victims of neglect. I am overwhelmed by their beauty and their dignity. I was extremely sad to enter their lives for such a short period of time and then leave. They know they now have a mother, yet they know not when she will return to get them! These children were born in my heart and I love them dearly! So now I deal with the pain of separation. Do they know their Mama is trying to get there? Are they okay? One of my prayers is that K is home before her 12th birthday on August 3rd. But I haven’t asked anyone else to pray for that and I’m reminded that one of the things I’ve gone through is loneliness. Yes, there are so many people supporting me, but I can’t expect anyone around me to understand exactly what I’m going through, partly because I haven’t voiced it. Then the Lord reminds me “You are not alone”.

Sometimes, though, I do feel alone; as if I’m losing my mind. I go to the mailbox every day looking for something, anything…before it was the INS approval, letters from licensing agencies, etc. Now it’s a grant approval; I do not know where the rest of the money is coming from. I go sometimes twice a day, thinking the postman forgot a letter, and brought it back later. I have ECD – e-mail checking disorder. I check my e-mail at least 25 times a day, hoping for anything from my adoption agent; an e-mail that says “Congratulations, good news, your court date is…” or an e-mail that contains the orphanage address so that I can send my daughter a birthday gift because it looks as if she will spend yet another birthday there without her family, without a birthday cake, without birthday gifts. In February, I thought, “oh, K and A will definitely be home for their birthdays, how exciting”! But now it’s the beginning of July, I have no court date, and the court calendar is filling. Paperwork has slowed us down. I sent the last set of additional documents on June 22nd, and as you can imagine, I’ve tracked that package at least five times each day – as if the truck/plane could go any faster! It is expected in my region on July 6th and after reviewing my dossier, the court will set a date. I am told no later than September. Soon, soon, soon I hope!

One of my “pregnant in heart” friends explains the process like this:
“At first, there's not too much to do. Life seems pretty normal while you take care of a few things. The whole idea is pretty new. Then you find out the home study agency is coming. You begin "nesting". You clean your house furiously and meticulously trying to get ready. Then you have a period of rest when you are waiting for INS, the Home Study agency, etc. Then there is a flurry of late nights and running everywhere preparing. With a pregnancy, your body is uncomfortable, you don't sleep well at night, and you're running to doctor's appointments every two weeks. With adoption, you are filling out post placement agreements, registration obligations, gathering birth certificates, filling out financial paperwork, dealing with the Secretary of State’s office and licensing agencies, etc. You're running everywhere getting papers notarized and apostilled, getting fingerprints, police clearance, and yes, going to the doctor. With pregnancy, you lose sleep because your body is uncomfortable and you pray that your baby will be born healthy with 10 fingers and 10 toes. With adoption, you loose sleep wondering if all of your paperwork will be approved, if your children are healthy in a country where it is below zero most of the time, if they have been held that day and loved on, if they know momma is coming to get them. Then when the dossier is sent off it is just wait time. When you are pregnant, you can feel the baby kick you and stick their feet in your ribs. You have a difficult time breathing. When you are adopting, you wish you could feel any piece of them. You wouldn't mind being kicked and poked. Sometimes you have a hard time breathing when you walk past their picture for the millionth time and you still don't have a call. Then the day comes, you go into labor. Your body works overtime pushing out a beautiful new human being. You lose many hours of sleep nursing and comforting in the middle of the night. With adoption, you get the call that changes your life. You hop on a plane and fly to the other side of the world, which is not just 1 or 2 time zones away, but a completely different day. You catch one plane to the next, without sleep, rest, or a shower. You get to see and hold your babies for a few short hours for a few short days. Then you whirlwind back to the other side of the world without them. Talk about sleep deprivation and having your days and nights mixed up! As a birth mother, I could not imagine leaving my child in the hospital and waiting weeks and months to be told to come back and get him or her. However, this is what adoptive parents do. The praying becomes more intense, the pain of separation a world away becomes worse, the sleepless nights become harder. Adoptive parents have to go into labor twice! Ugh! At the end of the journey, both adoptive parents and pregnant moms end up with the same result, beautiful children that the Lord has entrusted to them to raise for His glory. One's child is birthed in her body; one's child is birthed in her heart. Both are beautiful and truly special!” Please read her beautiful diary @ http://russianadoptiondiary.blogspot.com/

As I continue to “nest” (I’ve painted the girls’ room, my bedroom, and now I’m painting both upstairs baths), to wait, wish, hope, and pray, I thank you for listening and for praying with me.

Today’s Prayer (one of many): Lord, you have been both gracious and patient with me. Thank you for your many showers of blessings. I have been rained on spiritually, emotionally, financially, and through friends and family. You have been with me completely on this journey and I ask that you please continue to be with me. You know my needs, Lord, and I know that you will provide in your time and in your way.

As always, I will keep the light in their bedroom on, I will cry every time I walk past their pictures, and as I do when L is away, I will go in their rooms a million times a day just to “look”. And when I have those breathless moments, I will continue to pray…

Introduction

Hi! My name is Tina and I am the proud mother of a 17-year-old son, L. I teach Math at a private school where I am also the Drama Director. I am in the process of adopting two beautiful girls from Russia. They are sisters who are 11 and 6. I returned from trip 1 on April 20th and have been through so many emotions since! After leaving my girls over 6400 miles away, I have frantically been praying, doing paperwork, waiting patiently, trying to stay busy, redoing paperwork, mailing packages, praying, waiting patiently, painting, well, you get the picture. I was told I would have a court date during the first week of June; here it is the first week of July...packages are delayed here and there...they need more documents...my girls are waiting...I am losing that patience I thought I had...

I am told that I will possibly get a court date early next week. I was so hoping that the girls would be at home with me all summer before they begin school in a foreign place surrounded by foreign people who speak a foreign language. They are about to leave everything as they know it and I so wanted these few months to bond and to help them feel somewhat comfortable. But if I have learned anything during this process, it is that I must trust in the Lord's timing, wait for His answers, believe in His miracles, and relax in His presence. I'm trying, Lord, I am!